What I don’t want in my wine….

Those of us who pontificate about wine for a living (I wish), often talk about the great qualities of the wines we love, but don’t often talk about the bits we don’t like. And for good reason. If you only have X number of words afforded you for the weekly column, why waste it on the negative? However, after a Twitter discussion on the merits (or not as the case would seem) of NZ Chardonnay, I have decided to fritter a few words on the things I don’t like in my wines. Remember this is all about me – i.e. it is just my opinion – it is not a tried and tested, live or die by objective piece of writing.

Bubbles

I don’t like sugary, confected Methode Traditionelle. I don’t like warm bubbles (I also don’t like opening warm bubbles…).  I don’t like lots of gum-stinging, eye-watering acidity, or varietal bubbles that are not usually ‘au fait’ with CO2. I don’t like bubbles that I can’t get the cork out of and then when I relax my iron-like grip; comes flying out like a missile programmed for the furthest planet. Most of all? I don’t like corked bubbles. In fact I don’t like corks full stop.

Chardonnay

I don’t like sweetness in my Chardonnay, I don’t like sour, milky, babysick smells or (God forbid) flavours. I don’t like Chardonnays that leave splinters in my tongue, or taste like Pina Colada. Or pine come to think of it.  I don’t like soapy Chardonnay and I don’t like too much acid in there either. I don’t want short Chardonnay that leaves no impression (though no impression can be better than leaving a bad one). I don’t want a watery consistency. I don’t want butterscotch – If I did I’d grab a bag of them next time I’m shopping and I don’t like hints of botrytis. No it doesn’t add complexity.

Sauvignon Blanc

I don’t like body odour in my glass of Sauvignon Blanc, I don’t like aromas of last night’s vindaloo in it either. I don’t like raw oak that sticks out like the proverbial dog’s wotsits (oak in Sauvignon Blanc is a very fine art, only successfully executed by a few) and I don’t like dilute, thin, watery flavours (if you can call them ‘flavours’). I don’t like asparagus my in glass (though I love it on my plate) and you can keep your tinned peas (though fine if you happen to be in France enjoying ‘Petits Pois Bonne Femme).

Riesling

I don’t like botrytis in my ‘dry’ Riesling (but love it in fully-blown dessert wines). I don’t like hard, metallic flavours in there, or confected sweetness without a backbone of fresh acidity. Dilute Riesling is not nice, neither is high acid with no intensity of flavour. However as a rule of thumb, I am usually more easily pleased with a random Riesling than I am with a random Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc.

Pinot Gris

Where to start. I don’t like flabby, sweet Pinot Gris, I don’t like sugary, lolly water as an excuse for Pinot Gris.  I don’t like darkly coloured Pinot Gris – it worries me (though a tiny hint of pink can be ok of course). I don’t like neutral nothingness in my glass and I don’t like overwhelming peardrop or marzipan smells, or aromas of wet dog/sheep.

Pinot Noir

I don’t like overly youthful Pinot Noir with aromas reminiscent of carbonic maceration/strawberry-flavoured boiled sweets. I don’t like sharp, pointed, angular Pinot that is clearly not comfortable in its own skin. High tannin, high acid and low fruit will never make me (or anyone else) happy, while stewed, hot fruit and high alcohol won’t either.  I don’t like thin, stalky Pinot Noir and I don’t like sugar in my Pinot Noir, residual or other.  I don’t like cheap oak, bagged oak or any other in my Pinot unless it is in the form of French oak barrels. And no brettanomyces either thanks.

Cabernet Sauvignon

I don’t like unripe characters in my Cabernet – e.g. green beans, powdery  instant coffee, stalks. I don’t like so much menthol that I think I’ve accidentally opened the cough medicine instead. I don’t like tannin that takes a pickaxe to remove or sweetness that is cloyingly mouth-coating. I don’t like alcohol that makes my nasal hairs recoil in horror but equally I don’t like miscellaneous Cabernet that lacks distinct flavour, texture and structure.

Syrah/Shiraz

To quote Levi ‘big is good’ but all things need to be in proportion (he didn’t say that bit). I don’t like Shiraz with so much American oak I think I’m on a beach in Fiji supping juice from a coconut. I don’t like ‘new wave’, light-bodied Shiraz. If I wanted a light-bodied red I’d buy something else. I don’t like the look of pale coloured Shiraz….worrying. I don’t like confected sweetness in there, or the smell of my Grandmother’s simmering damson jam (though I did love that smell in her kitchen). I rarely like Syrah that pretends to be Shiraz and vice versa.

Reading this back I sound like a grumpy, vinously frustrated old bag. I’m not. Really I’m not. I love good wine, cheap wine, expensive wine and many in between. What I don’t like is apathetic wines that stand for nothing, or faulty wines, or those that are not true to origin and/or grape variety. See? I’m easy to please really!! I have always been a ‘cake and eat it’ type of person – yep, I want it all (unless it’s any of the above).

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